And so we wait...

"Then I heard the voice of the LORD saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here am I. Send me!'" ~ Isaiah 6:8

We're at a place in life that I like to call "limbo." I am not a patient person, so this is a difficult place for me to be. We thought we had a plan, but it didn't turn out as we had hoped. So now, we wait.

We wait on graduation.

We wait on summer.

Above all we wait on God.

God is shaping us as we wait. He is teaching us patience, teaching us to trust. He is teaching us to see a bigger picture.

We had a dream of serving Him overseas. That dream did not play out the way we would have planned, but I am reminded that His plans are always better than our own. Our primary goal above all else is to serve....where we are, as we are. Contentment is a hard thing to come by, but even if we never do anything "big" (by human standards), we will learn to be content.

So we wait. While learning to be content right where we are, we wait.

We wait for an open door.

We wait for God to move. To move us...and we will go wherever He leads.

Gifts and Ponderings

Lulls in blogging that go on for multiple months seem to be my new thing.

I don't really have anything to say, but I feel like God is stirring words in my heart.

They may not be written for a long time (or ever), but He's working on something in me. If I blog and share again, I don't want it to be about me. I don't want to try to sound like someone else or worry that my space on the internet is not the prettiest or most technologically savvy. I just want to say what He has put on my heart to say and have it be all about Him and His glory.

That's where I am right now.


Today I am celebrating the second birthday of my sweet, bright, ball of energy little boy. It is his birthday, but I feel like I am the one who has truly received a beautiful gift by being given the privilege of being his mama.

Merry Christmas, friends. May we all remember the true gift we have been given. It does not come wrapped in shiny paper and bows but rather in swaddling clothes. It is not given by a man in a red suit but rather by an almighty loving God.

Making Your Home a Haven

Even though we are not active homeschoolers (yet ;), I occasionally receive homeschooling publications in the mail. I was browsing through one yesterday and came across an article about finding balance and what it really means to be like the woman in Proverbs 31. The author (Joanne Calderwood - http://www.urthemom.com/) pointed out that although it seemed like the P31 woman was more like Martha in the sense that she was very busy, she was only able to accomplish what she did because like Mary she chose the better things first. I felt like Mrs. Calderwood was speaking directly to me in this passage:

"...by constantly praying when feelings of stress and strain come over me, I am freed from their grip. When I spend that close fellowship time with the Lord at the beginning of the day, my heart is in tune and is worshipful and reverent. What a beautiful way to start a day. But it doesn't end there, at the "amen" before getting the children up for breakfast. As we go through the day, the Holy Spirit will inspire us to do what He calls us to do. He will grant us the wisdom and resources we need to homeschool, to be a wife, and to be a mother. Contrast that with just jumping out of bed in the morning, grabbing a cup of coffee, waking the children, and getting started on the day - without any quiet time or instruction from the Lord. I've done the latter, and it doesn't bear good fruit. I am quickly absorbed with my kingdom, and I am either overwhelmed by busyness or I accomplish little because I am so overwhelmed that I go in circles because I don't know where to start." - 'A Guide to Getting it in Gear' from Homeschool Enrichment Jul/Aug 2010

Going in circles because I don't know where to start accurately describes my day to day life. How much different would my life look if I made an effort to spend time with the Lord at the beginning of every day? Even if I am getting things done, it doesn't matter how Martha I am around the house if I cannot first be like Mary.

God, of course, didn't stop this lesson with this article. I stumbled across THIS post on Women Living Well about making our homes a haven. When I read about what kind of woman it takes to make her home a haven, I was saddened by the realization that I am more like the woman described in Home #1 in the article. I am often distant, distracted, crabby and discontent. Worst of all, I do not pray enough. It's interesting to think that the first four things mentioned would be significantly remedied if I would just do the last thing. So, I am taking part in Courtney's challenge to make my home a haven for my family and all who enter it. That is my calling, and I want to see to it well while always remembering that I cannot possibly accomplish any of it on my own.

Blessings and Provisions

Wow.

That describes how I have felt over the past couple of weeks as I have seen God provide for us in so many different ways. He knows our needs and the desires of our hearts, and He cares about us so much that He provides at the times when they will have the greatest impact.

Forgive me for the lengthiness of this post, but some background is required to understand the way these things touched my heart. I plan to do some more well thought out writing in the near future, but I had just had to share these praises with you!

First of all, our financial situation has been tight for the past couple of months. In anticipation of losing our military insurance due my husband getting out of the National Guard, we signed up for insurance through his employer. Can I just say that switching to regular insurance after having military coverage for several years is a little rough? The monthly price tag and the deductible make me a little ill. I won't go into a discussion about insurance though *wink*. In February, we received our final paycheck for Rob's Guard drills. So, we lost income and gained expense. We had begun to prepare for this months ago by cutting out budget before we truly needed to do so, but it was still a hard pill to swallow and things have been tight. I am an awful worrier, and I began to stress out about the situation. I even started looked at the classifieds because I was convinced that I would need to get a job. Thank God that He has better plans than I! On Wednesday I received two checks in the mail for reimbursements from things that happened months ago. That same day we learned that Rob qualified for the highest level of bonus and pay raise. The former took some weight off of my shoulders for expenses this month. The latter reminded me that being able to leave my job a year ago in order to stay home with my son was no accident.

In relation to the insurance switch and our son, we were also able to find Eli a new doctor who seems to share many our ideas and philosophies. That was a huge relief because the process of finding a new pediatrician was getting depressing and stressful!

God has also answered a long time prayer of mine recently. Ever since I chose to stay home, I have struggled with loneliness. I was the first among my closest group of friends to have a baby. Being out of school and out of the working world, I found that friendships did not come as easily as they had before. I joined the local MOPS group in September, but I felt awkward and like I was struggling to fit in with the group. Then in just the past couple of months it was like something finally clicked. I began to feel really comfortable with the women at my table and found that I had a lot in common with many of them. I even stepped out of that new found comfort zone of my table and met other women in the group. Through various circumstances over the past couple of months I feel that God has opened doors for potential friendships and for that I am incredibly thankful.

Finally...and this one is weird...I feel that God is confirming my desire for a more natural, healthy lifestyle through His provision. I had basically given up on it when we cut our grocery budget. Recently I found out (via one of the women at my MOPS table!) about a new local source of grass fed beef. And get this- it's $2.00/lb!! I can rarely even find beef at the grocery store for that price! Amazingly healthy food that fits into my itty bitty grocery budget? You'd better believe it! It's super tasty meat too! Not only that, but I am also working with some others on setting up a drop for Azure Standard which would provide even more budget-friendly healthy food. This co-op has great deals on bulk grains, and shortly before I started gauging others for interest in it I was blessed with the opportunity to buy a grain mill from a sweet friend for an excellent price. Now I will be able to take my quest for health even further by grinding (and sprouting? maybe?) my own grains!

I am just so thankful. The financial provision, friends and food themselves don't even matter as much as the knowledge that God does indeed love us and has our best interests at heart. Even if all of those things disappear tomorrow, I will hang on to the hope and grace He has given me so abundantly.

Oh, how He loves us...

Then Sings My Soul Saturday - Forgiven by Sanctus Real

Today I discovered Then Sings My Soul Saturday via Casey's blog, and I knew I had to participate! Music has been a huge part of my Christian walk. The first time I was convinced that I needed Jesus was almost seven years ago I was in a youth service singing "I Will Overcome" by Charlie Hall. I remember breaking down under the weight of my pain and believing that Jesus could truly make me whole. From that point on, God has spoken to my heart through the gift of music.

Most recently, I have been ministered to by the song "Forgiven" by Sanctus Real. The bridge has been especially encouraging in relation to my recent struggles with self worth.

"When I don't fit in
And I don't feel like I belong anywhere
When I don't measure up to much in this life
Oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ..."



See more Then Sings My Soul entries at Signs, Miracles and Wonders.

Desiring God's Praise and Glorifying Him with Our Lives

One year ago, I wrote a letter of resignation and quit my job so I could stay at home with my son. I had been on maternity leave for ten weeks and could not bear the thought of returning to work. We learned that I would be able to stay home just two weeks before I was supposed to start working again. The past thirteen months have been the most rewarding of my life, and I have never felt regret about deciding not to work. I realize how incredibly blessed I am to be able to be at home.

Lately, however, I have really struggled with the value of what I do. I have battled with the messages that this world feeds us about what equates worth. I have imagined that friends and family look down on me for the choices I have made. I have felt unimportant and unappreciated. Joy has eluded me as I let lies take root in my mind. I have questioned whether or not this will even matter to Eli when he is adult, if it matters at all.

The answer is yes, it does matter. More than I will ever know.

I recently joined a women's Bible study at church. We are going through the Gospel of John. I joined in the middle of the study, but I think the timing was divine. Last week we studied John 12. I read John 12:42-43 about leaders in the Jewish community who believed in Jesus but would not proclaim their belief because of the Pharisees. Verse 43, when read through the lens of my own life, hit me hard. It says, "...for they loved praise from men more than praise from God."

By whom do I desire to be praised?

My frustration is rooted in my own selfish desires to be praised by the world. I have let myself believe that if I am not being exalted by the standards of this world, then I am not doing anything of worth. That thinking is sadly deluded. As the wonderful women in my Bible study reminded me, the work we do as mothers is so much greater than the things of this world. Our work is eternal and it matters to God. His is the only praise we should desire.

As I have read and prayed further about this issue, I have come to realize something else. The only praise I should seek is that of God, but above that I should desire to bring Him glory through my life. I recently began the first non-fiction book from my book list, Don't Waste You Life by John Piper. I am only a few chapters into it, but I have already gleaned much wisdom from Piper's words. The following passages are some that I felt fit in perfectly with the passage from John that spoke to me so deeply:

"God created me - and you - to live with a single, all embracing, all transforming passion - namely a passion to glorify God by enjoying and displaying his supreme excellence in all the spheres of life." (p.31)

"God calls us to pray and think and dream and plan and work not to be made much of, but to make much of him in every part of our lives." (p.37)

My greatest desire should not be to be made much of (and certainly not be the world's standards) but to make much of my Creator in everything I do. My goal should be to glorify Him through my life. My joy is to be found in this single passion.

Mothers, if you find yourself feeling like what you do doesn't matter or that no one appreciates it, please take heart. Believe me when I say that it does matter. Better yet, don't worry about what I or any other person has to say, and believe God when He says how much it matters to Him. Work diligently and joyfully and passionately, desiring with your whole heart to glorify God in all that you do. The rewards are far more spectacular than anything the world could ever offer.

That's What Christmas is All About, Charlie Brown

"Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?" - Charlie Brown

I've been a bit of a Scrooge this Christmas season. Between not being able afford very many presents and learning that once again we would not be able to see our families at all over the holidays I had decided that there wasn't any reason to be merry. The Christmas decor being put up before the Halloween pumpkins were thrown away and the wild and crazy Black Friday shoppers did nothing to improve my "Bah, humbug!" attitude. I could have easily gone through this holiday depressed and negative, completely losing sight of what Christmas is really all about.

Praise the Lord for children who show me how to keep the focus on the real meaning of this holiday.


How precious is Christmas through the eyes of a child? This sweet boy arrived two days before Christmas last year. I could not have asked for a better gift. I may lament not being able to spend Christmas with our families, but I remind myself that my little family is here and now is the time make new traditions. As much as it may bother me that I cannot shower Eli with presents wrapped in colorful paper with shiny bows, I remember that I have the opportunity to teach him about thankfulness for what he does have and that giving of ourselves to those in need and for the good of God's kingdom is a greater gift than any material possession.



I am so thankful for that boy with the blankie. I often feel that "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is one of the only Christmas movies or specials worth watching. How often do we feel like Charlie Brown? Tired of the commercialism that has consumed the holiday, he sets out to learn what Christmas is really all about. Just as Charlie Brown is feeling hopeless because of all the superficiality surrounding him, little Linus takes the stage to remind us all that Christmas is not about Santa, presents, and bright lights on a big green tree. As he recites the story of the Nativity, we are reminded that on Christmas day we celebrate the birth of our Savior and that all other things pale in comparison to that gift.

It is easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of this time of year, but ultimately we must slow down and remember why we truly celebrate. Let's not be so overwhelmed with presents and parties that we forget to thank God for the precious gift of His Son. Alongside images of Santa and reindeer we see a babe lying in manger, a babe who was sent to be our Redeemer. May our focus on Christ never waiver.

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulders; and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace." - Isaiah 9:6

He's Always Been Faithful (and a prelude to the birthday post)

Whoa. That's me (and Eli!) almost one year ago. I was 37 weeks pregnant and had just begun my maternity leave (I didn't know then that my leave would be permanent!).

What a difference a year makes.

Rob looks a little stalkerish...

In just over two weeks my little man will be one year old. This year has brought so many changes and so much joy to our family. When we decided that I would stay home to raise our son, we didn't really know how it would work or how long we would be able to manage it. God provided, and I have had the incredible privilege of spending every day with my son. Not too long ago we really thought I would have to go back to work. We decided to try to adjust our finances to see if I could still stay home, and God has been faithful as always. I have learned that God shows His love for us and His provision in many ways. He initially provided for us financially, but later He provided practical ways for us to be good stewards of what we already had. Without spiritual provision, we wouldn't even make it through the day. As we approach a time in our lives when it feels like things are up in the air and we could go in a dozen different directions, it is comforting to know that God is constant and He will always take care of us. Sometimes I worry too much and forget that He has always kept His promises and that He will never forsake us. It is good for me to remember the times when His care and provision were impossible to overlook and remind myself that He will always be there.

"All I have need of, His hand will provide. He's always been faithful to me."

You Can't Do it Alone!

Shamefully I admit that over the past few months I have not made having a regular quiet time a priority. Coincidentally (or not) I have not been able to get a handle on my day to day tasks, and I often end up feeling down most of the day because I don't have the energy to get anything done. I know that postpartum depression is a factor in all of that. I also know in my heart that neglecting my relationship with God is only fueling the PPD and letting it control my days. Worst of all, my lack of energy and depressed state keep me from really enjoying my time with my son and husband. I am confident that making time with God a daily priority would help me tremendously with controlling my PPD.

How do I know? Yesterday I was up a full two hours before Eli. I had time to make coffee, take a shower, and spend time with God! My day went SO MUCH BETTER! I felt energized and I was productive. I had fun playing with Eli and spending time with Rob. I'm tired of being robbed of those things and feeling like I am not cut out for the life God has given me as a mother, wife and homemaker.

Today I could barely get out of bed. I didn't have a quiet time and felt like I was just dragging through the day. My goal is to be up before Eli every day at least long enough to have time to read my Bible and pray/journal (working in a shower and some coffee before he gets up would be a nice bonus!). I'm also going to turn off the TV and get back to playing praise and worship music during the day so I can remember to keep my focus on God. Mamas, we cannot do this alone! I'm not a good wife or mother on my own. These are hard jobs, and we need God to help us do them well!

So, from now on I will be dragging myself out of bed well before my super cute 11 month old alarm clock goes off. Hopefully after a while there will be less dragging and more joyful jumping out of bed (And sunshine and birds singing. And my hair and makeup will look perfect too. Ok, let's all roll our eyes at that image). Eli needs me to be a good mommy to him, my hubby needs me to be a good wife, and I need a good relationship with my heavenly Father in order to do those things. Mamas, if you are struggling with these things I ask that you would join me in committing to spend time with God every day. He is our fuel (better than coffee!), our teacher, our comforter, and He knows exactly what we need. We can't do this without Him!

I need LOTS of energy to chase this cutie around all day long!

A Political and Religious Rant: Stop Making God Small!

Christians,

Please stop making God small by acting like He is not in control of the situation in our country. I don't care how you feel about Obama or Congress or any of the policies that are being put in place. God knows what is going on in this country, and when you point fingers and lay blame on the way people voted in November you are denying His omnipitentence. You are denying the commands of His infallible Word:

"Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. " Romans 13:1-2

"Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right." 1 Peter 2:13

Rejoice, Christian, because God is in control! We may or may not like the things that are happening in this country today, but God knew the outcome long before we went to the polls last fall. He knows what will happen in 2012 and 2016 and so on. If you are angry, PRAY. If you are scared, PRAY. If nothing else, now is the time for the church to rise up and start doing its job. Whether you like what is happening or not, this country is hurting and something needs to be done. The government is not our savior. Obama cannot save us. McCain would not have been able to save us, nor could Ron Paul or Mike Huckabee or whoever else you would prefer to see in office.

Do not forget that we are not of this world. We are resident aliens in a foreign land. Do not forget whose you are and who is in control. Hope was promised to us long before our current President made it a mark of his campaign.

Sincerely,

Your sister in Christ

Redux

First of all, let me apologize for being a terribly fickle blogger. The past couple of months with this blog have been a roller coaster ride. I had planned to go completely private, but after a few weeks I realized how much I love having a dialogue with other Christian women (moms or otherwise). So, here I am. I could have just figured this out several weeks ago, but I needed some time to come to terms with a few things about myself.

I began to realize that I was letting all of the wrong things define me. My identity was wrapped up in cloth diapering, natural parenting, organic eating and all around tree-hugging. Those are all wonderful and important things, but they were consuming me so much that I forgot about grace. I was very selective about what I wrote because I didn't want anyone to think that I wasn't this perfect attachment parenting crunchy mama who shunned all things mainstream and conventional. I knew something had to change the day I found myself nearly in tears over not driving across town to buy organic apples. I realized that I needed to back off. I needed to focus on feeding my family whole foods and be okay with not always being able to afford the high dollar organic versions. I needed to not be ashamed that sometimes my son fusses -even cries occasionally - for a couple of minutes before he falls asleep at nap time. I needed to stop freaking out about putting my baby in disposable diapers for part of our vacation. Above all, I needed to remember that God knows my heart, and He knows that I am doing the best I can with what I have. When I get to Heaven, the Almighty is not going to be concerned with whether or not everything I ate was organic or how I diapered my babies or if I used very non-Earth friendly hair dye. All that will matter is that I lived for Him and shared His love with others. That is what I want my life to be about. That is what I want to define me.

It is so easy to be sucked in to the patterns of the world (yes, even all that great AP and natural living stuff can be very worldly if we lose sight of the things that truly matter). My hope is that I can be a light for Christ in this place, and I don't want anything to block that out. So that is where I am now. Obviously I will still blog about diapers and food and all those things I enjoy, but they will not define me. And you'd better believe that I will have a lot to say about the One who does.

Waiting Game

Do you ever get the feeling that something big is just over the horizon? It's the feeling that something in your life is about to change dramatically, leaving you anxious, nervous and excited at the time. The last time I felt like that was shortly before I found out I was pregnant. I have felt that way again recently. I thought it would go away with Rob's promotion, and while it is not as intense the feeling is still there.

I became excited recently about the idea of pursuing missionary work. Looking back now, I would say that I was too excited. I have a bad habit of latching on to an idea and making plans before waiting to find out if it is from God. Even good ideas are not always God's ideas. It became apparent to me that such a door has not been opened, and we are to continue to support those who have gone already. We get a lot of joy from doing that, and will continue to do so. While that door may not be open, I still can't shake the feeling that something in our lives is going to change soon. All I can do now is wait and pray. I can pray that God will prepare us for whatever it is that He has planned, whether it be big or small. I can pray that our eyes will be open and we will be aware and sensitive to God's leading.

Herein lies the problem with waiting - I am an extremely impatient person. I like making plans. I NEED to make plans. I know...if you want to hear God laugh...I'm quite familiar with that! That is why I am so thankful for scripture that reminds me to wait on God and the perfect timing of His plans.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." - Psalm 27:14

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps" - Proverbs 16:9

"This is what the LORD says - your Redeemer, the Holy one of Israel, 'I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.'" - Isaiah 48:17

We will not be misguided if we trust in the Lord's plan for our lives. I have seen this in my own life and have been immensely blessed by it (by the time Rob and I decided that we would allow the Lord to determine the timing of when we would have children, I was already pregnant). Waiting can be frustrating and uncomfortable. I am too often tempted to try to make and execute my own plans. However, waiting on the Lord will bring far greater blessing and joy than anything I could plan on my own. That "something is going to happen" feeling may not go away, but I am learning to be content with patiently waiting for God to reveal that something in His time.

Elijah Robert

Elijah: The Lord is My God
Robert: Bright Fame

It is my prayer that my son's life will be devoted to being a bright light for Christ and bringing fame to the Lord.

Jesus for President

*edited for a disclaimer - I do not believe that being a Christian automatically means voting Republican. I tend to have more liberal views when it comes to social, environmental and economic issues but remain morally conservative.*

It's hard for me admit that I blindly jumped on the bandwagon of anything, but I confess that I have chanted "Yes We Can" with scores of Barack Obama supporters in the past several months. I'm not necessarily trying to take back any support I threw behind the senator from Illinois (maybe it was love for my home state?), but I see now that I cannot accept a candidate simply because he is a brilliant orator. That being said, as the wife of a soldier expecting a son who may someday follow in his father's footsteps, I cannot wholeheartedly endorse John McCain either. What's a girl to do? On one hand, I love Obama's vision for change and I agree with many of his social and economic policies. On the other hand, how can I as a Christian (and a mother to be) vote for a man who is so flippant about the life of an innocent baby? At the same time, how could I vote for McCain, who would keep us in Iraq and let more and more of our soldiers die in a battle that is no longer ours? I have been trying to keep the moral issues on the back burner when it comes to who I will vote for in November, but that is becoming increasingly difficult. I voted on moral ground in 2004 and my husband went to Iraq a year later. I certainly don't believe that a Republican president can convince an Democratic congress to overturn Roe v. Wade (nor do I think that is necessarily a good idea, but that is another post for another day). But the knowledge of Obama's voting record on this issue just does not sit well with me. I suppose I have two months to really pray about this issue and decide who I want to run this country, but I really wish that I could just write in Jesus.