Our Little Gracie Girl

Our beautiful little Grace Evangeline entered the world at 12:57 am on January 26th.

7lb 2 oz, 19.5 in

The Dishes Can Wait

Lately Eli has been especially clingy and in need of my attention. I have found myself getting frustrated with his constant need to be near me as I think about all of the things that need to be done around the house. I'm embarrassingly behind on so many projects, and I can't seem to find the time to get them done. I feel like there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything. If he didn't need me so much, maybe I'd get more done.

But then I look into the big hazel eyes of that sweet boy and realize that I don't want to miss a single second. I always thought that people were exaggerating when they said that kids grow up too fast. Surely that wasn't true. I see the truth in that statement now. The past 16 months have gone by faster than I ever imagined. My tiny baby boy is a busy, smart, inquisitive toddler. He loves testing his independence, but he still needs his mama very much.

I may never catch up around the house. The overgrown flower bed in the front yard may never be tilled and replanted. As much as part of me wants to do those things, a much larger part of me realizes that my baby may not always want me to cuddle with him and play games and read stories. He'll grow up and won't need me (or at least he'll think he won't - we've all learned that lesson, haven't we?). I want to cherish these moments. So what if the dishes sit in the sink a little longer? Throwing a ball, reading a story, or just giving a hug are far more important. It is also moments like this when I say an extra prayer for babies who want nothing more than to have a mama to hold them and for mommies who are waiting on Heaven to hold their precious babies.

Now I hear a sweet voice chattering away in his room, just waking up from a nap. It's time to play!

It's My Blog, and I'll Vent if I Want To!

I've had some form of a blog for almost ten years. I've had an Open Diary, a LiveJournal, and a few Xangas. Even this blog has had a few other forms. The major difference between this blog and my blogs of old is that I am not as open with my every day life here. Maybe it's the .com? Is there something about owning my own domain name that makes me think that I can't be honest about my daily life? Should it deter me from posting about the mundane or sharing some not so organized thoughts once in while?

I think not.

So here we go. This week stinks. I'm tired, bummed out, unmotivated and unproductive. I've eaten a lot of cookies. My child doesn't seem to want to sleep (up for three hours in the middle of the night here, refusal to nap there). I'm frustrated because our life is currently in a state of limbo. I want to make decisions and plans, but I can't right now. The ground is wet and my dog keeps tracking mud into my house.

I want to sleep until Sunday.

But I can't. I need to clip coupons and make a grocery list. There are dishes to wash and laundry to fold. The toilets need to cleaned and the floors need to be scrubbed. Events need to be planned and attended, so I need to put on a smile (and some mascara) and be social. Most of all, my Bible study has been neglected this week and family needs me.

Bring on the coffee....french press, please. With vanilla and hazelnut creamer. And Sun Crystals.

Desiring God's Praise and Glorifying Him with Our Lives

One year ago, I wrote a letter of resignation and quit my job so I could stay at home with my son. I had been on maternity leave for ten weeks and could not bear the thought of returning to work. We learned that I would be able to stay home just two weeks before I was supposed to start working again. The past thirteen months have been the most rewarding of my life, and I have never felt regret about deciding not to work. I realize how incredibly blessed I am to be able to be at home.

Lately, however, I have really struggled with the value of what I do. I have battled with the messages that this world feeds us about what equates worth. I have imagined that friends and family look down on me for the choices I have made. I have felt unimportant and unappreciated. Joy has eluded me as I let lies take root in my mind. I have questioned whether or not this will even matter to Eli when he is adult, if it matters at all.

The answer is yes, it does matter. More than I will ever know.

I recently joined a women's Bible study at church. We are going through the Gospel of John. I joined in the middle of the study, but I think the timing was divine. Last week we studied John 12. I read John 12:42-43 about leaders in the Jewish community who believed in Jesus but would not proclaim their belief because of the Pharisees. Verse 43, when read through the lens of my own life, hit me hard. It says, "...for they loved praise from men more than praise from God."

By whom do I desire to be praised?

My frustration is rooted in my own selfish desires to be praised by the world. I have let myself believe that if I am not being exalted by the standards of this world, then I am not doing anything of worth. That thinking is sadly deluded. As the wonderful women in my Bible study reminded me, the work we do as mothers is so much greater than the things of this world. Our work is eternal and it matters to God. His is the only praise we should desire.

As I have read and prayed further about this issue, I have come to realize something else. The only praise I should seek is that of God, but above that I should desire to bring Him glory through my life. I recently began the first non-fiction book from my book list, Don't Waste You Life by John Piper. I am only a few chapters into it, but I have already gleaned much wisdom from Piper's words. The following passages are some that I felt fit in perfectly with the passage from John that spoke to me so deeply:

"God created me - and you - to live with a single, all embracing, all transforming passion - namely a passion to glorify God by enjoying and displaying his supreme excellence in all the spheres of life." (p.31)

"God calls us to pray and think and dream and plan and work not to be made much of, but to make much of him in every part of our lives." (p.37)

My greatest desire should not be to be made much of (and certainly not be the world's standards) but to make much of my Creator in everything I do. My goal should be to glorify Him through my life. My joy is to be found in this single passion.

Mothers, if you find yourself feeling like what you do doesn't matter or that no one appreciates it, please take heart. Believe me when I say that it does matter. Better yet, don't worry about what I or any other person has to say, and believe God when He says how much it matters to Him. Work diligently and joyfully and passionately, desiring with your whole heart to glorify God in all that you do. The rewards are far more spectacular than anything the world could ever offer.

He's Always Been Faithful (and a prelude to the birthday post)

Whoa. That's me (and Eli!) almost one year ago. I was 37 weeks pregnant and had just begun my maternity leave (I didn't know then that my leave would be permanent!).

What a difference a year makes.

Rob looks a little stalkerish...

In just over two weeks my little man will be one year old. This year has brought so many changes and so much joy to our family. When we decided that I would stay home to raise our son, we didn't really know how it would work or how long we would be able to manage it. God provided, and I have had the incredible privilege of spending every day with my son. Not too long ago we really thought I would have to go back to work. We decided to try to adjust our finances to see if I could still stay home, and God has been faithful as always. I have learned that God shows His love for us and His provision in many ways. He initially provided for us financially, but later He provided practical ways for us to be good stewards of what we already had. Without spiritual provision, we wouldn't even make it through the day. As we approach a time in our lives when it feels like things are up in the air and we could go in a dozen different directions, it is comforting to know that God is constant and He will always take care of us. Sometimes I worry too much and forget that He has always kept His promises and that He will never forsake us. It is good for me to remember the times when His care and provision were impossible to overlook and remind myself that He will always be there.

"All I have need of, His hand will provide. He's always been faithful to me."

You Can't Do it Alone!

Shamefully I admit that over the past few months I have not made having a regular quiet time a priority. Coincidentally (or not) I have not been able to get a handle on my day to day tasks, and I often end up feeling down most of the day because I don't have the energy to get anything done. I know that postpartum depression is a factor in all of that. I also know in my heart that neglecting my relationship with God is only fueling the PPD and letting it control my days. Worst of all, my lack of energy and depressed state keep me from really enjoying my time with my son and husband. I am confident that making time with God a daily priority would help me tremendously with controlling my PPD.

How do I know? Yesterday I was up a full two hours before Eli. I had time to make coffee, take a shower, and spend time with God! My day went SO MUCH BETTER! I felt energized and I was productive. I had fun playing with Eli and spending time with Rob. I'm tired of being robbed of those things and feeling like I am not cut out for the life God has given me as a mother, wife and homemaker.

Today I could barely get out of bed. I didn't have a quiet time and felt like I was just dragging through the day. My goal is to be up before Eli every day at least long enough to have time to read my Bible and pray/journal (working in a shower and some coffee before he gets up would be a nice bonus!). I'm also going to turn off the TV and get back to playing praise and worship music during the day so I can remember to keep my focus on God. Mamas, we cannot do this alone! I'm not a good wife or mother on my own. These are hard jobs, and we need God to help us do them well!

So, from now on I will be dragging myself out of bed well before my super cute 11 month old alarm clock goes off. Hopefully after a while there will be less dragging and more joyful jumping out of bed (And sunshine and birds singing. And my hair and makeup will look perfect too. Ok, let's all roll our eyes at that image). Eli needs me to be a good mommy to him, my hubby needs me to be a good wife, and I need a good relationship with my heavenly Father in order to do those things. Mamas, if you are struggling with these things I ask that you would join me in committing to spend time with God every day. He is our fuel (better than coffee!), our teacher, our comforter, and He knows exactly what we need. We can't do this without Him!

I need LOTS of energy to chase this cutie around all day long!